This year has been about healing, about emancipation, about liberation. And I realized at the outset that most of the hurdles we face are mental, rather than physical.
In my youth, I was conditioned more than raised. I was taught to obey, and my feelings never ever entered the equation. What resulted was a jumbled mess of occasionally irrational ad self destructive cycles that would repeat themselves at irregular intervals, depending on thee stress level. I couldn’t break those cycles.
It affected everything: my parenting, my relationships, everything. And it was through a blowout with a friend that I was finally able to unpack it and figure out what was going on. Because in the aftermath of any confrontation, I always overanalyze and ask myself if I overreacted. Without revisiting the ordeal, I will say that in this case, I didn’t.
For once, I followed the mission statement. Which is what this entire year has been about.
I realized that one key aspect of my personality is that I do not give myself permission to feel. I am so driven by others’ expectations that I rob myself of my own humanity by my expectations.
And yet in the midst of that I am still human. I have the right to hurt, to bleed, and to feel, even when those emotions may not be acceptable reactions to the situation. Check that — ESPECIALLY when those emotions may not be acceptable reactions to the situation. My reaction may not be right, but my RIGHT to react certainly is.
The altercation was about boundary setting. I felt (and still feel) that I have a right to those boundaries, just as anyone else does. And am hopeful that the friendship may one day be restored, although for the moment, it’s too soon.