Thinking today. Always thinking. I’ve been in an emotional roller coaster as of late, and I’m sure that it has multiple components. My efforts towards healing, increasing intensity of workouts, the stress of the current events within our community, all of it.
I’m a hot mess right now, and there’s no easy fix. We’re just going to push through it, like any other wall.
I was ruminating today on music, and what it does for me. I always do that when WoodyFest is coming up. I haven’t played/sang much, because right now, today, my focus is on healing. And although there is a temptation to say that where I’m at is “good enough”, I promised myself a year…and a year it will be.
Anyway, the thought I had was of King David (incidentally, quite likely an ancestor of mine, as he would be the patriarch of the Solomon line). When he was not yet king, the previous king (Saul) would call him into his courts to play for him. David’s harp soothed King Saul in his time of sorrow. I believe it is this melody that Leonard Cohen was referencing in the opening lines of “Hallelujah”.
My music is who I am. For me, the voice that lifts me out of my darkest place (there are a few, but this one stands out) is Sinead O’Connor.
Because she KNOWS.
Because you can hear in her voice that she KNOWS.
There have only been a handful of voices I have ever heard that understood that dark place well enough that their voice reached down in the pit to lift it out. You can hear it especially in Johnny Cash’s voice in “Hurt”, “I Still Miss Someone”, and “Sunday Morning Coming Down”. You can hear it in Shane McGowan’s voice in “Fairytale of New York”. The list is short, but it’s powerful.
Anyway, back to the present, because I really want to tell you about my run. It relates, but only in a way that makes sense in my bucket hopping, disjointed mind. I’ll try and connect the two.
So, after doing some short, but intense (for me) hill training yesterday, I was back on course for today’s walk/run. I have pretty much made the 7th 1/10 mile run official, as I can’t remember the last time I haven’t run it. Anyway, today, I also ran a tenth on the last lap.
Or, it started as a tenth.
Anyway, I began that section of the last lap running a tenth. I still had steam, so my rule is, keep going. Up around that bend, then hey, let’s get to that tree, then let’s go around the next bend.
At some point, I realized that if I made it to the trees, I would log another tenth. One mile. I can do this, I figured, and really wanted that mile. So I made it, short on breath (could have done more, but I’m trying not to overwork myself. I have a 5k in fewer than 3 weeks).
It wasn’t until I was cooling down after the last running stretch that I realized I had miscalculated, that I had “only” run 9/10 of a mile. Still, 25% of the total distance, and better than I had ever done.
I was regretting my miscalculation. But then I thought about it, and IF I didn’t think I was about to run a mile, there is no way I would have completed that last tenth. Because I was focused on the goal, I unlocked a level I had never unlocked before, and showed myself that I am expanding my capabilities.
So, I took this long disjointed path to get here: the truth is, we all need someone, some THING to get us out of our dark spots. I encourage you to find that voice. Let it guide you. Let it move you. And take that next step.